Just Stay Alive
by NostalgicSchemer
Summary: I smile wryly as I stand at your tombstone. I guess I wasn't there for you when you needed me? How many times has that been now? Too many to count. Maybe that's why you just ended it all.


NS: LOOK! ANGST! *points to fic*  
Ashe: What the fuck is wrong with you?!

NS: Nothing, why?

I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING! Though tis a songfic. Get used to it. =D

~Just Stay Alive~

_/This world will never be_

_What I expected_

_And if I don't belong_

_Who would have guessed it?/_

I smile wryly as I stand at your tombstone. I guess I wasn't there for you when you needed me? How many times has that been now? Too many to count. Maybe that's why you just ended it all.

You didn't belong. Well, neither did I, but I suppose not belonging together never crossed your mind. So many times you accused me of having no heart, that we weren't supposed to even exist? What is that supposed to mean, anyway? That our existence is just... Meaningless?

_/I will not leave alone_

_Everything that I own_

_To make you feel like it's not too late;_

_It's never too late./_

What were the words you used to tell me? That it was never too late to change, never too late to find our missing parts, our other halves? But you forgot one thing: _**Never say never**_. You promised me once that there was a reason were were alive; incomplete, but alive nonetheless.

So why am I standing out here, emotionless as I always told you we were; that what we feel are just shadows of what our nonexistent hearts told our brains were emotions. You always claimed you could feel your heart beating, but no matter how many times I put my hand to your chest, I felt nothing. Zip. Nada.

_/Even if I say_

_It'll be alright,_

_Still I hear you say_

_You want to end your life./_

But you were so damned _**persistent**_ that it was sickening. So very much so.

I digress. I suppose you'd be _**happy**_ to know that the rest of them showed up here to lay you to rest... But everyone is asking why? Including me.

Every time you felt an inkling of doubt about your theory of having hearts, you'd run to me, crying. I'd hold you, even though you know I hate touching others. I'd whisper into your ear. I'd agree with your theory if only those salty tears would leave your baby blues. And you know what you just told me?

"_I want to die."_ Every time. I could almost parrot you in my sleep with how often you said it. But after you'd stop crying, you'd just laugh, kiss my cheek and bounce out of the room as if nothing happened.

Maybe no one else say past your happy ruse. No one else saw the way you'd just stare into space for hours. And if they did confront you with it, you'd just say the same thing.

"_Huh? Oh, I'm just thinking about a new song."_

And they'd just smile at you, pat your head and continue on their merry way, no questions asked. You'd stare after them longingly, blue eyes seeking help. But none ever came.

_/Now and again we try_

_To just stay alive._

_Maybe we'll turn it all around_

_'Cause it's not too late,_

_It's never too late./_

You'd never vocalize your need for help from anyone but me. And only when you were asleep would you do that. I don't know how many times I came back from a mission and walk past your room to hear you whimpering in your sleep. And I'd just walk right in and comfort you with meaningless promises.

And when your whimpering had stopped, I'd get up and stroll right out of your room like nothing happened. And you never knew. The day afterward you'd always search me out, a small spark of happiness in those depressed eyes of yours and tell me about your midnight encounter with your 'guardian angel'. Couldn't you have called me something else?

_/No one will ever see_

_This side reflected._

_And if there's something wrong_

_Who would have guessed it?/_

You had everyone convinced, didn't you? Even that stupid traitor. You had _him_ going. He thought you were just a cheerful bubble of energy that never depleted. And you were closer to him than to me; how could he not see how miserable you were?

I guess he didn't look hard enough.

There was always something wrong with you. It wasn't the sunny disposition that the Superior often called it. You were never truly happy, were you? But happiness is an emotion and we are... I'm not sure what we are anymore.

How many times had I walked into your room and saw that damned razor pressed to your wrist? How many times did I scold you for being weak? How many times did you just break down and sob for hours?

...How many times did you say it was to check _if you could still feel_?

Too many times to count, I can assure you. Maybe that's why you never heeded my warnings, my threats, that I'd just give up on you.

_/And I have left alone_

_Everything that I own_

_To make you feel like_

_It's not too late,_

_It's never too late/_

The one time you actually needed me... And I walked out on you. I never saw how frail and fragile you were when you thought no one was looking... Or I never bothered to pay attention to it at least.

Maybe that's why you're laying in that dark brown casket, eyes closed, face pale and upturned to the sky. Maybe that's why I'm standing here. Because I feel _**guilty**_, like **I** was the cause of your suicide, your last attempt to change everyone.

_/Even if I say_

_It'll be alright,_

_Still I hear you say_

_You want to end your life./_

I shake my head. I remember when the tables were exactly the opposite, when I was the weak one and you were the one that was comforting me when I threatened suicide. But... Maybe I just grew indifferent about the situation, just got over it.

But you couldn't. I should've seen the signs because now...

Now the world has no meaning. True, it never really did anyway, but that's beside the point.

I can't wake up in the morning to find this all just a horrible nightmare, dress, and walk down to the kitchen to see you slathering grape jelly on both sides of a piece of toast.

I won't be able to hear your twinkling laugh anymore; watch your eyes crinkling at the corners as you grin at me; hold you close to me despite my natural repulsion to touch.

And it's all my fault; I know this.

_/Now and again we try_

_To just stay alive._

_Maybe we'll turn it all around_

_'Cause it's not too late,_

_It's never too late./_

Maybe... Maybe this is just a dream. One very long dream that won't end. It just can't be too late to save you... Maybe it's a foreshadowing of things that will happen if I don't change my attitude towards everything.

But somehow that seems too preposterous.

_/The world we knew_

_Won't come back;_

_The time we've lost_

_Can't get back;_

_The life we had_

_Won't be ours again.../_

So, today, I do the unthinkable.

I don't know why I can't imagine a world without you. And honestly, I don't care enough to try and envision it.

Alone at your grave, staring at your name etched into the concrete there. It doesn't make it anymore real than before.

My eyes flicker to the blade in my hand. Just one slice and we'd be together again...

But would you be disappointed in me?

Would it really matter to you if I died?

Maybe not.

_/This world will never be_

_What I expected,_

_And if I don't belong.../_

I hear your voice. But that's an impossibility. I can't hear your voice. I can't see your face. I can't feel your hand on mine.

So I close my eyes and press the blade to my skin. All I have to do is dig it in and drag it along the length of my arm... Maybe even deep enough to touch the bone will be deep enough to end it all.

_/Even if I say_

_It'll be alright,_

_Still I hear you say_

_You want to end your life./_

"_Zexion, don't die on me, alright?"_ How can you ask that of me? I just...

I want to see you again. Is that too much to ask? All I have to do is give in and we can see each other again. What part of that don't you understand?!

_/Now and again we try_

_To just stay alive._

_Maybe we'll turn it all around_

_'Cause it's not too late,_

_It's never too late./_

"_Zexion, you hear me? Don't you dare give up on living."_ Easy for you to say, isn't it? Tell me, do you know the feeling of _**emptiness**_? The feeling that everything you have done has been all for naught?

Do you really expect me to just listen to your words?

"_Please, Zexion, I need you to live..."_

Damnit. You just have to say _that_ don't you? That you _need_ me to be alive: is it really that good on the other side that you can't share it?

_/Maybe we'll turn it all around_

_'Cause it's not too late,_

_It's never too late (It's never too late)/_

Just one little slice...

My fingers are shaking. Why can't I just do it already?! What is holding me back?!

"_Zexion, I love you."_

Are...Are you crying?

I slowly open my eyes and I'm greeted with white. That God-awful color. Why does everything have to be _**white**_ of all colors? Isn't it possible for it to be some other color in the world?!

I hear a gasp and turn my head. You're staring at me, disbelief and tears in your eyes. Why are you crying?

"O-Oh my... Zexion! Y-you're awake!" You cry out before throwing your arms around me and sob into my chest. I wince in pain, but I don't know why.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Is... Is that a _**heart**_ monitor?

"I thought... I thought you were going to die! Your heart rate kept slowing down more and more... Don't you _**EVER**_ do that to me again, you hear me, Zexion?!" You cry into my chest as you cling to me.

And you know what I do?

I wrap my arms around you.

"I love you too, Demyx."

Guess it wasn't too late...

_/It's not too late,_

_It's never too late.../_


End file.
